After two years spent studying your hashing habits, I have come to the
conclusion that while you call yourselves the Brooklyn Hash, you are engaging
in false advertising by doing so. I have extensively reviewed your records, and
the only evidence I can find of your hashing anywhere besides the Brownstone
Brooklyn/Williamsburg areas occurred when someone named DBB took you to
Bay Ridge and Bushwick during something called a White Trash Hash. I also
unearthed a rather shameful period last August during which you started at the
same location (i.e., the Lorimer L stop) three weeks in a row. Perhaps
it would be more accurate to call yourselves the “Park Slope/Carroll
Gardens/Cobble Hill/Occasionally Williamsburg” hash. Although I do allow this
is rather a mouthful and hard to put on a T-shirt.
I have spoken to your superiors on the Committee and they have come up with a
solution to this most pressing problem: the Tour de Brooklyn.
For this Tour, the Committee will work with your hares to r*n you on a circuit
around the borough of Brooklyn. Starting near the Brooklyn Bridge on June 29,
each trail will run through a new section of Brooklyn and will include a check,
toward the end, that marks the start of the following week’s trail. The Tour
will hit all major neighborhoods – from DUMBO to Coney Island, from Sheepshead
Bay to Greenpoint – and by August 31 will have worked its way back to where it
started. For obvious reasons, such as “How the hell do I find an on-in in New
Utrecht?” certain allowances may be made.
Although experiencing more of your home borough should be reason enough to
complete the circuit in its entirety, the Committee has added the following
incentive: free commemorative T-shirts will be awarded to all those who attend
every hash on the Tour. (In case you are wondering how the drunkards on the
Committee will remember who cums and who doesn’t, I will be taking attendance.)
I look forward to seeing a vast improvement on this matter of false advertising
at your review next year.
