'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the Seaport, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. The tree, on the other hand, was stirring a lot. You see, Crofty's Annual Christmas Hash always starts at the Christmas tree in the South Street Seaport…and this year…there actually was a tree (Editors Note: last year, for reasons unknown, there was no tree). For those of you who think this is an ordinary Christmas tree…or even a Rockefeller type tree…it is not. It is a human tree. That's right, a tree shaped stage, eight layers high, full of humans. Not like human ornaments or anything like that…they're just standing there. Oh yeah, and singing…lots of singing.
Despite the temperature (28º)…or maybe because of the temperature, a motley crew of 8 or so turned up at the prescribed time and enjoyed a few Christmas carols sung by the human tree. Included in the small crowd of hashers was Mary Ashmore with baby Maeve in tow, and a skinny [sic] guy in a red suit and a beard.
After surveying the small number of bags in front of him, Crofty said that with some help (DB2) he would simply walk the bags to the bar…a clue if ever there was one. He then exhorted us to dash away, dash away, dash away all. Oh, and one other thing. No yelling "On-On"…today it would be "Ho-Ho".
The trail was your typical downtown, stay below Chambers street affair. A quick jaunt past the fish stalls in the Seaport and we were off. We quickly made our way over to the Brooklyn Bridge and up to City Hall. Satan Clause (aka Fluffy Santa) was being cheered on by the throngs of people as we ran by. At one point, a wee lad of 6 or so (we'll call him Johnny) shouted "There's Santa" and took off after our evil imposter with Little Johnny's father close on Johnny's heels. Satan Clause, however, was faster than both Little Johnny and his father…and outran them both, never looking back even once. Last I saw of Little Johnny, he was crying and his father was trying to explain to him that being Christmas Eve and all, Santa was in a hurry and would surely come back to their house that night. Bah Humbug indeed!
A check in City Hall Park was further complicated by the fact that this was the one time all year that someone decided to sweep up was five minutes after Crofty had laid the trail. From there we ventured over toward the WTC and followed the trail into Century 21.
You want to have a laugh? Next year, go into Century 21 (or any other mobbed department store) on Christmas Eve dressed as Santa. Our Satan Clause was marching through the store yelling 1) "Ho Ho Ho" and 2) "Everything is 50% off!"
We finally worked our way back toward the Seaport for another glimpse of the human tree, and then to the On-In at Ryan's Sports Bar. Twenty minutes later DB2 came in…upset as usual and muttering something about none of the f**king checks being marked. "But Dave, I saw at least three out of the five checks were marked" someone pointed out, to which he replied, "Yeah, but…" We feasted on the traditional Christmas Eve meal of hamburgers and chicken sandwiches. We were joined by a couple of civilians: Michele "ATOC" Thompson, Crazy Bob, and Sung He.
Down-downs were given to the hare, the antlers went to Dave Long, the red nose went to DB2 so he would be able to find his way in the future, Satan Clause got his, the civilians got theirs, and the two pagans in the group (Diane and Norm) got theirs for not believing in Satan Clause, despite the fact that he was standing right next to them
Finally the plunger went to Chris "Wrongway" Rust for misleading the entire pack at the final check. To this point, Hare Croft had managed to keep the pack together. When we arrived at the final check on Beaver Street, FRB Wrongway proudly proclaimed, I've already checked that direction and it doesn't go that way." Fifteen minutes later the pack was a splintered, dysfunctional mess. Being from the great "Show Me" state, and remembering Croft's clue at the start ("…he would simply walk the bags to the bar."), I decided to see for myself. Heading in almost a straight line back to the Seaport, and directly down the street that Wrongway had "already" checked, I found the trail on the corner at the next intersection. The pack never fully recovered and trickled in in drips and drabs.
The highlight of the evening was the 7:30 showing of Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch stole Christmas. Seven hearty soles (including one of the aforementioned non-believers) made the trek over to the Battery Park Theater. I especially enjoyed watching Dave "Blitzen" Long buy his ticket and take his seat whilst still wearing the antlers.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.